Whines and Giggles

It isn’t that fluttering that comes with falling in love with someone new. That nervous hopefulness that, just maybe, the best will happen and you’ll get that thing you can’t stop thinking about. The kiss, the smile, the squeeze of the hand. It kills you, but invigorates you at the same time.

Unfortunately, this isn’t that. This is what happens when that little voice in the back of your mind that reminds you, ‘You could really get hurt here,’ flies to the front and becomes all you can hear. You know that everything you feel is wrong, so wrong, and can only bring pain to everyone involved. But no matter how many times you repeat to yourself all the reasons why your feelings are simply not permitted, they linger, a weight on your shoulders that will not be shaken. The butterflies that everyone secretly craves feeling in their stomach is replaced by a churning — the feeling of being torn apart, gutted, knowing you cannot free yourself from this, but not being able to speak a word. Knowing that the foundation you’ve worked tirelessly to build will simply crumble to the ground if you shake it with something like this. The hardest part is having the one person you can always turn to be the one person who can’t know. Can’t know about the cruel joke your emotions have decided to play. Can’t know what role his image has been playing in your dreams. Can’t know that, three years later, your feelings refuse to die. He knows nothing, and because of that, you know nothing of what he feels.

You aren’t meant to feel this way. It will ruin everything. But you’ve tried to hide, and you’re running out of places to go. No matter which corner you flee to, it finds you, over and over again.